Horror of Horrors! Scary Video Games That Should Not Be... Print E-mail
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Written by Christophor "SuperGuido" Rick   
Sunday, 29 October 2006

As Halloween is only a day away all the gaming sites are busily putting together the lists of the scariest games they have ever played. I have gone one step further and made a list of games so scary they should never be made. What could the list possibly contain that is so scary it should never be made into a video game? Click the link below to find out. But don't say you weren't warned because these games would make even H. P. Lovecraft cringe in fear...

Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter...

Martha Stewart World Domination - She may be the queen of decorating a prison cell, but I want her nowhere near any of my gaming consoles or computer. Can you imagine her saying something like "to make your video game consoles fit into the whole feel of the family room atmosphere try hiding them under a nice doilie with pumpkin centerpiece ringed in dry leaves, chestnuts and acorns. That just sounds like a recipe for flaming disaster. But even worse would be a video game with you taking on the role of Martha. First your mission would be to brighten the world by recruiting the unsuspecting housewives of the world and then brainwashing them into thinking that charteuese is the new black and that everyone needs floral print curtains and window treatments. Then in the second stage of the game you have to defend yourself against the evil SEC agents who are attempting to infiltrate your business and put you in jail. How do you do this? Farting rainbows at the agents? shredding documents into fantastic new wall coverings? When the RPG version of the game hits Japan all you will do it talk to the agents and if you pick the right phrases their heads will simply explode.

Mansonites Unite by Avon - In an effort to reach into the 'goth' demographic cosmetics company Avon teams up with Marilyn Manson in order to sell more black fingernail polish and "Zombie Skin Blue" eyeshadow. The result is more frightening than your grandmother coming in to slip you some tongue. Marilyn Manson is in trouble and needs your help. As part of the super secret globe-spanning Mansonites you mission is to find the Leader at all costs. Armed with only a makeup kit, silicon breast Infus-a-tron and a rib extractor you must transform as many people as you can into Mansonesque henchmen to help you track down the people who took the Leader from you. Of course the only music in the game will be Marilyn Manson, which would be ok by me. But after the umpteenth time you slap some white face paint on someone, inject them with fake breasts and rip out their lowest ribs you'll want to move onto something else. But the big question will be Who Took Marilyn? My guess is it was Trent Reznor.

Michael Jackson's Wonderland Adventure - The King of Pop needs the help of the children of the world. His mansion and playground have become so big he has become lose somewhere in them. Your job as a visitor and humble servant of the King is to search for him and help him back to his room. Great activities and puzzles await you like "Match the Jackson with the Nose" but be careful because some are pre-surgery while others are post. The game features appearances by all your favorite Jacksons who act as guides to help you find Michael with helpful tips. Oddly there will be a non-disclosure agreement that you will need to sign and send in before you can register the game and play it. This might be to stop you and your children from causing any trouble for the bankrupt (morally and financially) King. The last stage in the game? Well it's a court case of course, you and your family against the King of Pop in a revolution of revelations where we finally find out just what happens at those pajama parties in Wonderland. The game will be the most in-depth look into the mind and life of Michael ever... which puts it squarely in the list of games we never want to see.

Osama bin Laden: Destroy All Capitalist Christians! - Taking a page from the U.S. Army playbook Osama creates a video game development branch of Al Queda to recruit new members. This is their first offering. The game opens in the quiet backwater caves of Afghanistan where Osama is leisurely minding his own business when suddenly U.S. military troops invade the caves and begin hunting him down. The poor defenseless Osama has nothing left to do but to go into hiding and begin a terrorism war against the U.S. In response to violating his personal hidey hole he begins making plans for all out retaliation. Your mission starts with building a global information network and incorporating your people into every facet of soicety so that you can infiltrate and destroy all capitalist christians. Once the operatives are in place and the network is up and running then phase two of the game begins where you must carry out missions. The more people you take out with your suicide bombs the more points you get. If you manage to rise through the ranks of the network you will eventually be tasked with performing the largest operation they have ever undertaken...

Oprah and Rosie O'Donnell Team-up! - Wonder twin powers activate! Form of a large female television personality! Oprah and Rosie have finally teamed up to make the world safe for everyone. Oh rejoice! The game runs you around the globe as you hunt down all the naysayers in their quest for FOOD. Cameos by such stars as Tom Cruise really make the game worth playing and the high resolution cut scenes of Rosie and Oprah sharing the same bed are not to be missed! Play through 10 levels of slow-paced action as they eat their way to world recognition. But the final battle pits the behemoth personalities against each other in a Highlander-esque "there can be only one" scene that threatens to topple the Earth from its rotational axis. Who will you choose, and will you eat or be eaten?

Ok so the chances of most of these becoming reality are slim, but let's make sure it stays that way because these games would be more terrifying than anything with zombies, ghouls and ghosts in it. Any one of them becoming reality would probably be seen as a sign of the apocalypse and the end times. Personally I like the world the way it is, it's where I keep all my stuff, and I hear there's no video games in Hell.


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