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House of the Dead 2 - Video Game Film Review - Film Month Print E-mail
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Written by Christophor "SuperGuido" Rick   
Tuesday, 04 September 2007

[OpEd]

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Mark A. Altman, who wrote the original script for House of the Dead and then lambasted Uwe Boll for what it turned into was also writer of House of the Dead 2 (the film, not the game) and in an interview last year said:

"...I think the film's (HotD2) gotten a pretty good reaction and some nice reviews for the most part. Obviously, it cost a lot less than the first movie but is percevied [sp] as being a much, much better film which is gratifying for both (director) Mike Hurst and myself. We have House of the Dead 3 in development now and hope to begin filming later this year if everything comes together."

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This film is a total steaming pile of crap that made the Uwe Boll film look like cinematic brilliance and I will tell you why. First I think Mr. Altman is holding a grudge because his beloved script was changed for the first film. Regardless, this film was total junk.

First off there are some of the worst jokes ever made in any film and half of them don't even make any sense.

"You an asshole all the time Bart or you take Sundays off for good behavior?"

I don't even know what that means and it's just plain stupid. Quips like this prime example riddle the film like holes in Swiss cheese. But they don't do nearly as much damage to the film as the plot holes do which make this film more like a sieve than anything.

For 11starters, Casper survives the first film albeit without legs? Are you kidding me? She had her legs chopped off by zombies and was probably, no, most likely bitten by them as well. So she should have been a legless zombie and been killed or still on that damn island. She should most assuredly not be commanding military operations from a wheel chair as you would have us believe in this film. What? That's not enough? Ok then tell me why every character in the film who has a gun, gets as close as they can to the flesh-eating zombies, zombies who with one bite can pretty much end your life as you know it. They have guns! The guns shoot bullets and can do so for hundreds of meters! Not to mention they have assault rifles which shoot lots of bullets very quickly for hundreds of meters. So there's no need, and I would think the 'special-ops' would know this, to get right next to them. Speaking of the special ops in the film, the Master Sarge is what like 25 years old? And he calls everyone kiddo? Then you have a fat man, yes, a fat whiny guy who, nevermind how he got into the special ops nor how he managed to stay in the special ops, jabbers all through the operations. He talks to himself, he talks to his gun, he talks to his partner. 13And he's part of a team that survived Bosnia, Afghanistan and Iraq? Oh please shoot ME in the head now! At the first sign of trouble this guy fumbles his weapon. Was that an attempt at comic relief? If so it was unnecessary because the whole film was comic relief.

Actually the film was so bad it wasn't even funny. I am actually angry at having wasted my time and watched this film which was obviously made for those who have been lobotomized and have the mental capacity of the zombies. I am also angry that someone thought this was a good film. Now back to the flaws.

12 The Master Sarge is so skilled that he actually at one point randomly aims the gun at Nightingale's head while talking to her for several minutes. Way to go genius! Even I know not to do that from when I went hunting with my grandfather as a child, of course I never aimed the gun at anything because I wasn't interested in killing anything. This guy could have accidentally killed a teammate. He uses military jargon sporadically and generally in the wrong context. For example, at one point he says "fan out" and then they all walk in a door and go down a hallway. That's not fanning out. Have you never seen a folding fan? Fan out means spread out, not let's all get in a straight line and walk through this door, kiddo.

15 I am 100% certain that every character in this film is of sub-standard intelligence and could not pass any sort of college entrance exam because they do the stupidest things imaginable. When told to stay close, one soldier, who is supposed to be a highly trained special-ops soldier, wanders off to follow sounds he hears. Then when he finds the source of the sounds he approaches without caution. Well it's no wonder he ended up a flesh-eating zombie now is it?

And what about the infection? They say it's transmitted by blood yet Ellis and Nightingale, the A.M.S. agent pair, walk up to zombies, shoot them and have blood sprayed into their eyes and mouth on several occasions. I may only have a Bachelor's degree in Molecular Biosciences and Biotechnology, but even I am fairly certain that one time would have been enough to transmit it let alone a half dozen times. If you must watch this film, god help you, make a drinking game out of it and drink every time someone gets blood sprayed on their face from a zombie. I bet you're passed out before the end of the film.

Here's a great scene that I call "total bullshit" Ellis and Nightingale are facing a swarming mass of zombies, they have a pistol and a shotgun, neither fires more than twice and are completely mobbed by zombies, yet surprisingly neither is bitten. There were, what looked to be fifty or sixty zombies that at one point or another had their faces within two inches of our unbelievably lucky heroes and never took the opportunity for a little snack? Considering that this is the only driving force in their lives, eat the living, how the hell are we supposed to believe they did not get bitten. Were the zombies so shocked to see humans that they FORGOT to bite them? Had they all JUST eaten?

Here is yet another prime example of the great writing in this film. Three 'good guys' are stuck outside a locked door. So of course they shoot the lock and the door opens. Then after they walk through the door they shut it and it, miraculously healed itself and it stayed shut! I need me some doors like that.

Other crazy shit in this film:

It's a blood transmitted problem! Ellis can't carry a gun with him after he cuts open a zombie and smears its guts and blood on him as camouflage because the zombies can smell GUNPOWDER! My god, they part German shepherd! Did I mention it's a blood transmitted thing in the film?

After losing the first sample of the zero generation zombie they go to get another. Nightingale draws the blood and hands the vial to Ellis who checks it with the DNA scanner, AGAIN. What? She might have become a second generation zombie while you were gone?!

The cruise missile is shown flying over a major US city, but the military wants to keep the operations a secret. Then wouldn't it be better to bomb the place from somewhere in the area instead of thousands of people seeing a cruise missile fly through the skies?

The cruise missile, when it arrives, hits a building and does not even destroy that single building. Yet the whole purpose of the missiles is to eradicate the infection. Hell they couldn't even eradicate Nightingale who was IN the building when it was hit.

Speaking of her, she was in the building, hamstringing zombies with her Bowie knife when the missile hit. Not only did she survive the WEAK explosion, but she WAS NOT BITTEN AGAIN!

NICE watermark!My Rating: 20%

Simply put, this is possibly the worst film I have ever seen in my life. The twenty percentage points this film did manage to get comes from the opening scene when there is one college girl being sprayed with beer in a see-through shirt and then another woman is completely topless. She LOVES Generation: GamerzThen shortly after the female special-ops are in their underwear and one unconscious girl is fully nude. That's it. Watch the first like five minutes of this film and then stop watching it. None of the storyline, like what Curien was doing, why he was doing it or how, comes out until the last 10-20 minutes of this film that seemed to drag on and on and on.
But as John Moore and I used to say when we lived together at university, four breasts Shoot the clown in the mouth! (It's Beer!)makes it a movie so long as it is four different breasts and not the same pair twice.
Hell this film even makes The Third Man from 1949 look like cinematic gold and I nearly walked out of that one after having fallen asleep.

I just wanted to add this last screenshot in because I had it and I mentioned the scene and I worked hard on all these watermarks so that we don't get in trouble with any of our partners. That is beer being shot into her mouth from a frat guy's SuperSoaker by the way just for clarification.

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