Episode 2: Revenge of the Noob Print E-mail
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Written by John "Big Noob" Schuler   
Tuesday, 16 September 2008



You are Never to Old to School or be Schooled

 In my last installment, I lamented as to my frustration with being repeatedly knifed into sushi by 9 year olds, while trying to enjoy shooters such as Halo 3, Call of Duty 4, and Crysis. It is my duty to report that I have found the solution to my frustration.

 It is called “School”.

back-to Yes, the word that evokes both dread and revulsion in all children at this time of the year, has come to be my best friend.  It is beyond a shadow of a doubt, one of the most primal forces of nature created by man for the good of all adulthood.  It is that one time of year when we, the older people, can actually enjoy that first cup of coffee, listen to soft music, and actually reflect upon what we have planned for the next 6 hours that don't involve children.  I understand that most parents have the perilous task of not only waking up their monsters in the morning, they also have the chore of actually getting them dressed, fed, and out the door to their daily torture.  I, not ever having had kids of my own, don't truly appreciate what you parents may go through, but since opening this store, I am much closer to understanding.

 It began for me on this past Tuesday, when the first of the kids began shuffling off in utter despair to their new classrooms.  I showed up at my shop at my normal early hour to smile as I saw the school buses passing by, filled with children of all ages, transporting them to remote reaches of the city, far from what was transpiring behind my closed door.

 I sat down behind the trusty Deathstar(My personal gaming computer), and making sure my coffee pot was gurgling away behind me, fired up Call of Duty 4.  I joined a friendly looking free-for-all match, strapped on my M4 and C4, and began the process of repeatedly enjoying the killcam footage of my own demise.  Then I started to notice something. I wasn't so bad. My standings were midway in the pack on a very full map, and I was alive more than I was dying.  As the morning wore on and the coffee dwindled, I actually built up some confidence.

 Later that afternoon, the eventual catcalls for me ensued, and I made a good show of being reluctant to even fire up the Deathstar.  I got into the game and got my rhythm back.  Suddenly, my store was a cacophony of voices muttering the words “Damn that BigNoob!”  Even that wily nine year old screamed in frustration as every time he was about to knife me in the back, I swung around, knife flashing, only to beat him to the punch.  In the end, when the match ended, lo and behold, the name BigNoob was on top, barely ahead of the 14 year old that always wins.

 I naturally felt it was my duty to do the “Winner's Strut” down the center of the store, making sure to explain to each person there how much they suck, or even better yet, to tell them I was going half speed to keep them playing.  In the end we all laughed and promised the next night would have much different results.

 The moral of the story is very easy.  You are NEVER too old to play a game, and succeed where you least expect it.  I may take a little longer to master a game these days, but when I finally get it, don't leave your back exposed.

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Last Updated ( Tuesday, 16 September 2008 )
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